Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
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God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Mechanic said I blew a seal…
Technically, it was a sea lion, but more importantly, how did he even know?
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I’m crying im so happy for them
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning