The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
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I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
my one true gender
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
[I open my lunchbox to find pair of wife’s underwear]
But that means…
[Cut to my wife opening her lunchbox to find a pair of my underwear]
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
Slowly descending into madness anyone want anything?
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
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If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.