OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
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ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers