Water is the solution to any problem… Do you want to lose weight? Drink more water. Stressful day? Take a warm bath. Tired of annoying people? Drown them.
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My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
Love is in the air fryer.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
me: let’s change your diaper
2: oh, no. I couldn’t possibly. I’m late setting up my pacifier scavenger hunt. I must dash!
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
You: *extending your hand palm up* Give me some skin!
Me: *shakes throw pillow over your hand*