Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
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I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
I feel a bit overdressed here at WalMart because my pajamas match.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
If I ever go to prison,
I’m gonna make damn sure everyone knows my street name: Butthole Teeth.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.
Bootstraps
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I’m a real badass until I feel a stray hair and think it’s a spider.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My friend reckons he’s going to make a fortune flying people about in his invisible aeroplane. I can’t see it taking off.
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”