me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
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How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
One time I had a boss who called me while he was in the bathroom, and then he accidentally peed on himself, so sometimes good things happen.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
“I’m gonna sleep in tomorrow.”
Every child ever: No you’re not.
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting