Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Locked myself in the bathroom for 2 minutes of solace when lo and behold my 3 year old Macgyvered her way in with a hair clip. I’m too upset to be impressed.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
If you ever feel dumb, remember sometimes sloths grab their own arms thinking they are tree branches and fall to the ground.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.