PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
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Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Went in for my checkup yesterday. Hernia & prostate exams are really uncomfortable, but he’s a great dentist so I let it go.
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues