Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Spider-cat: No One Home
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.