whelp that’s enough instagram for today
You Might Also Like
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
I’ve had worse
If I’m gonna pay $300 for a name brand purse it better come with a mini fridge, steaks, and a new tv
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
2022 be like
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[Glass slipper fits on ugly girl with same shoe size as Cinderella]
Prince Charming: Um… well. Tell ya what, I’m gonna keep on looking.
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday