[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
I don’t drink, but I, a 33yo mom, stayed up till 3 and then only slept for five hours before embarking on a 4 mile hike, and I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it feels to be hungover.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
I see you have a tattoo that says “Only god can judge me.” Buddy, you’re not gonna believe what im doing right now.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in 2 words.”
Me: “Atinubs. Econsibu.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to CAPTCHA.”