My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
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My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Cheers Twitter.
The smoothest fall of all time
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
set yourself free xox
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁