Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
Just saw a sign that said free hugs. I didn’t even know Hugs was arrested
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”