my astrological sign is a french fry
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date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Chicken bread
why I oughta
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Them: what is dumbest thing you have done?
Me: you mean like today?
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.