I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
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HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
me: [sprinkling white ash on the ground in the shape of a pentagram]
build-a-bear employee: please don’t do that
Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Cant believe they scheduled work at my 9-5 job the day after I decided to get drunk on a Wednesday I am appalled
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined