Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
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so weird how every mom was born today
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Dating:
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”
“No you hang up!”Marriage:
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
“No you shut up”
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳