Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
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Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
me: hm what could I add to this bath to relax and forget everything?
my brain: a hairdryer.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP