The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
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Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
“Playing soccer in the cold builds character, son!” I yelled…
…from inside my warm car, because it’s COLD & I already have character.
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31