Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
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I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: *high pitched mocking voice* what would you say is your biggest weakness?
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook