You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
You Might Also Like
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
May your day taste like creamy soup.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
My life coach traded me.
Him: I’m a big Star Wars nerd.
Me: Oh yeah, name one ewok.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!