Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
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God, I love Scotland
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
You Matter.
Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.
Then you Energy.
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
😅😅😅
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Kids should come with a “skip intro” button for their stories
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…