Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
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Dance like no one’s going to press charges.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
this is so top tier i cant
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
i really liked this one
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.