Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
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One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Received some very disappointing news today
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews