[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
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I saved $38 by moving the fish tank in front of the TV during “Ellen” and telling my kids it was Finding Dory.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
mom: no TV for a week!
dad: and after you take a bath you can’t use your hands to get out of the tub
*sons jaw drops*
mom: [whispers] nice
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?