Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
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*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.
But nope, it was just me getting ready.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.