Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
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Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
You know who else has a naughty list?
HR
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
oh you like architecture? name three walls
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
OFFICER DOWN I REPEAT WE HAVE AN OFFICER DOWN. I’m fine just down for whatever. Dancing or something fun.
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Honesty is the best policy until it gets you slapped.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.