Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
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[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
[seaside wedding]
We are gathered here today to celebrate the-
[bride picked up by giant seagull]
-completion of the ritual. HAIL GULLTHRAX
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Behind every successful woman is a Man who let her down.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway
Me: what no
Judge: then who did
Me: bro literally everyone else
So glad we cleared that up
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
*Beats guy over the head with celery.*
Stalking is hard.
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.