While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
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Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.