Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
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I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
Finally
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
Jurassic park gets weird
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.