a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Yachts are for rich people who always thought waterbeds were cool.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.