Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
I beat the time estimate on Google maps by going a different way and now I need to figure out how to add this to my resume
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.