[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
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I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
How about if you write in an opposite journal?
Write what you DIDN’T do.
Day 1: definitely didn’t kill anyone today
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
[dinner]
prince eric:ariel:
prince eric: I’m sorry I’m still uncomfortable eating seafood now that I know they can sing
ariel: no no, not this crab
prince eric: *taking bite* ok, good
ariel: he was just a backup dancer
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
i be like “i’m fine” then shake my leg 200mph
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
I’ve never stepped into a bear trap, but I have asked a friend if he was going to a mutual friend’s party only to learn that he knew nothing about it because he wasn’t invited.