I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
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Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
4yo: Why don’t brother and sister listen?
Me: You don’t either!
4yo: I know but this isn’t about me right now
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
[commercial for tupperware]
Are you done with that food, but would rather throw it away in 3 weeks rather than right now?
– Tupperware
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Son: “You didn’t have YouTube or Minecraft when you were a kid? What did you do?”
*flashback to peeling dried glue off my hand*
Me: “Stuff.”
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
(Mayday)
PILOT: I didn’t go thru 9 years of flight school to crash
ME: *relieved* Thank G-
P: I went through 0, so the crash will make sense
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?