I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.