ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
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Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?