ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
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Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
But is it really??
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
I miss going to weddings just to bring home the centerpieces.
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
8: “Ugh having a mom is so stressful”
– My son when I asked him to hold the door open for me
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.