I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?