Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
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When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I’ve just seen a girl post a selfie with her dead grandma on facebook and thousands have commented “rip”. Stop the internet, I wanna get off
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
[crashing my bike]
spin class instructor: how did you do that