Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*
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[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish
My horoscope today just said “NOPE”
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
guys i’ve cracked the code
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.