Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
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It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
Shark tooth necklaces are the perfect accessory if you want to look tough but also tell the world, “i’ve been to a gift shop.”
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Meeeee too!
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
Husband: *accidentally drops a fancy platter*
Me: *realizes it’s his mom’s platter but acts angry out of principle*
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*