So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
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Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
me: any clue how my house burned down
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
Haha good job!!
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Researcher: By 2030, life expectancy is predicted to increase globally by 6 years.
Southerner: [pouring mac and cheese into deep fryer] No.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.