For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
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“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
I freak out when i don’t see the L and R marks on headphones. There’s no way I’m taking that risk.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
I don’t know why this driver threw his hands up and asked what I was doing. I thought it was pretty clear I was cutting him off.
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
Daughter: Anyone there?
Ouija Board: S P O T
Daughter: But Spot went to live at the farm
Ouija Board: N O
ME: *tips over whole table with ouija board* go clean your room
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier