If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
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*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
12 Monkeys #DescribeYourSexLifeWithAMovie
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
No, I don’t think I will.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.