Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
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Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Not😆🤣
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
2021
Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.
Managers: wut?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
This probably isn’t good
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels