“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
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They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
Me: I need to pee
Everyone else in the Trojan horse: shh
90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
consequences, the bane of my existence
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.