Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
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Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Writers who become addicted to pseudonyms have to join Anonymous Anonymous.
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.