I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
You Might Also Like
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.
This is going to be a meme FOREVER:
popsicle not seeing heaven 😭
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party