♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
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Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I spotted a worm on a busy jogging path, and decided that since all life is precious I ought to move the little guy out of the way so he wouldn’t get trampled. The jogger behind me didn’t see me bend over and flew right over my head and face planted. He’s still alive though, so
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
My kids both made it into college despite the fact I helped them with their math homework.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
[pitch meeting]
Okay so it’s a ton of dogs. Dalmatians. 100 of ’em. I call it “100 Dalmatians.”
[idea man pipes in]
Let’s think bigger
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate
them: why can’t you just say it’s raining
scares
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.