Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
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“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[assigning roles]
god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth
sun: sounds good
god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves
moon: hell yes
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.