Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
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[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
the rocks need my help
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace